I asked a friend, studying for a French final, to translate my current state of mind into French. Here's the result:

Si L'Ordinateur APPLE continuait de forcer les dégagements morts d'OS comme un femme des montagnes avec cinq épouses laisse les bébés, je me vais tuer avec un couteau de pamplemousse.

He thinks the "Si…" phrase may be wrong, but I'd have no clue. It feels about right to me, who knows no French whatsoever except Aaron Sorkin's favorite phrase, mon petit fromage. ("You speak four languages, Jed. How come none of them is French? You just called me your little cheese!")

(The title is an Eddie Izzard joke. I love the French. Truly. Even without ketchup.)